Gifting our Children Roots and Wings

I remember when I was a young parent with “just” a baby. A friend with older children mentioned that his job was to give his kids “Roots and Wings”. I had always heard this expression, but its meaning never really sank in until I was a parent myself and I did some researching and I’m grateful I did.

My parents definitely raised me with a similar philosophy, but I never heard them use those specific words. Now, as a Mom of four kids well beyond the baby stage (my kids are 14, 12, 9 & 5), I have been trying to instill this in my kids (with admittedly mixed success) for some time.  In case you missed it, Ellie,9, has special needs so this blog doesn’t apply to her fully but that’s life. Read on….

If you haven’t heard the saying, it goes like this: “Parenting is about giving your children both roots and wings; roots to know where home is and wings to fly away and practice what they’ve learned”. I interpret it as meaning it is my job to give my children a really strong foundation. This is a job that started on day one of parenting. I want my kids to be safe, secure and confident so that they can grow and develop into their best selves. My husband Brad and I have worked hard to try to instill faith, unconditional love, safety, security and stability. Just the way a plant needs a strong root system, so do our children (though I sure hope I can do better with my children then I do with plants. Ha!) The other part is giving them the wings to fly high and live their life with courage, self-confidence, independence and a lot of fun.

The first part of building roots is establishing routines. Way back when, as a first time Mom, I remember reading all the baby books. They stressed the importance of routine and schedules. Studies show that having routines help our kids feel safe and secure; they know what’s coming so it removes the unknown. It’s so true that it works all the way from babyhood to adulthood. I do my best when I follow my morning ritual. And my little ones always did best when they followed a schedule. If you ever remember missing nap time for your well-scheduled baby, you know exactly what I mean.

As the kids grew, their schedule evolved to include before- and after-school routines. As they got a little older, we started to introduce more responsibilities. I grew up always having chores to do around the house; of course I didn’t like it at the time, but I now know it helped me build a strong work ethic, and gave me confidence and something to be proud of. To this day, I tell my kids how I was so proud and how I much I loved to scrub the kitchen floor for my parents. (Isn’t it funny, the things you remember that make an impact on you? I got paid 50 cents for completing that responsibility, and it probably took me three hours of scrubbing on my hands and knees. But I loved seeing the difference hard work could make, and my parents got a deal with me for that. Child labor, anyone?) And I took such pride when I cleaned my room and loved those vacuum cleaner marks on the rug. Today? Not so much. But back when I was ten, I loved it. 

So, we have instituted a bunch of responsibilities at home now. We have found that we fight less when there are standards and structures put in place. For example, now my kids know that they are not to come downstairs in the morning until their beds are made and their blinds are open. It not only teaches them about responsibilities but you feel so much better and productive when you start the day getting something successfully done, no matter how small. Studies actually show you are happier when you make your bed, and I always think starting the day with a little sunshine in your room helps, too. Who knows, but it works for us. If you were living in my house, you would hear me ask several times a day, “Are your personal responsibilities done yet?” As frustrating and annoying as it is in the beginning, it eventually pays off. Some of the kids are quicker adapters than others (I won’t name names) but they are all getting it somewhat. It’s definitely a lesson in patience and persistence for us parents too.

Another helpful way to build roots is rules.  Rules help set boundaries and we are often telling our kids they are in place because we love them (insert eye roll, here from my kids). If you asked my son, I’m sure he’d disagree with me on this one. But there is a reason for rules and we as parents need to sometimes be the bad guy and enforce them. Some of the rules are non-negotiable, obviously.  You are not allowed under any circumstance to drive a car without a license or permit.  Some rules, however, are made to be broken, or negotiated. I don’t mean literally that all these rules are made to be broken. I sometimes call myself a “rule-breaker”, but I think it’s in a good way. I am not breaking the law but I may question why things are the way they are. I think there is nothing wrong with some debates and occasionally changing the rules.  When it comes to parenting, yes, we bend them sometimes. Bedtime doesn’t tend to be as strict as it probably should but we are okay with that one. I think the kids are learning that the rules are in place to help them and to give some structure and discipline. And when they don’t agree with a particular rule or want an exception they are learning to ask for what they want and to build a case to support their request.

We often talk to our kids about cause and effect, and they are now at the age (especially the older two) where they really need to learn that. There are many times I want to “save” my kid from a situation but I know I shouldn’t. For example, I often receive several texts from my son when he forgets a book or an assignment and he wants me to drive it to school. My standard reply is “I’m sorry to hear that” when he texts me that he forgot something. The first day I texted him this, he got off the bus later that day and looked at me and said, “Really, Mom? I’m sorry to hear that?” Let’s just say that I don’t get the bailout text much these days. (My husband has a favorite saying, which he got from a history teacher at my daughter’s school: “Your lack of preparation is not my emergency.”) As a result of my “neglect”, my son is doing much better packing his school bag. Same goes for some social situations where I’d really want to interject myself as a parent, but I refrain and let my kids figure it out. Believe me it’s hard, but it’s all to help them get this great foundation to fly later (or that’s my hope). Right now, most of their school work and communication with their teacher is their responsibility, and my older two are happy having me less involved.

I often think that this Roots and Wings philosophy is similar to the saying, “Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.”  Sometimes it would be so much easier to just give the man (child) a fish, but in the long run the other path is best.

Nobody said it was easy, and there is no perfect way to do it. All children respond differently than others, and sometimes their natural tendency sways more towards one way then the other, but I think they can all benefit from some Roots and Wings. I definitely have a mix of personalities with my kids and I am learning that we need to tweak things for each child. And this entire parenting thing came with no handbook. (What’s up with that?!) Anyhow, do you practice the “Roots and Wings” philosophy or not? It may not be for everyone, and I know everyone has different parenting ways, but that’s what we do in our household. Only time will tell, I guess! I just hope that their future is everything they want it to be, that they are prepared for the ups and downs, and they live life with zest and courage.