Sometimes it’s the little things that get you excited. I’m not a big TV watcher, but I am a big fan of TED Talks. Lately I’ve been really excited that we got a Smart TV and I can view YouTube—and thus infinite TED Talks—on my TV. Every night part of my ritual with my Ellie is holding her to get her asleep, and on some nights that can take hours. The other night I streamed some TED Talks while holding Ellie, and one that I enjoyed was by Dr. Ivan Joseph, a college soccer coach, on raising self-confident kids. Check out the TED talk here.
Dr. Joseph shared lots of interesting observations, but one that caught my attention in particular was the phrase “Catch them being good.” I try to do this with my kids, but I know I often slide into the nagging Mom role at times. “Put your shoes away”…“clean your room”…“is your homework done?” You get the idea, right? You’ve probably been there yourself.
Rather than endlessly nagging or knocking someone when they are down, though…in sports or in life… Dr. Joseph says that a great way to reform unwanted behavior is to point out when they or one of their peers is doing something extremely well. When we do that, we are publicly acknowledging and praising the specific desired behavior, avoiding making anyone feel lousy but providing positive reinforcement for all to see and hear. I now find myself saying, “Great job making your bed, Gavin, and I noticed your cubby is clean too.” Or “Molly, nice job with time management; I noticed you took care of all of your personal responsibilities, did your homework, showered and now have time to work on your videos—well done.” My son’s time management endeavors are a work in process, so in addition to me pointing out his mini-wins I can see that he is noticing where his sister does well in that department. I also try to share my excitement when they are proactive around the house. I was so proud that Gavin brought in the trashcans on his own that I took his picture and told him “I am giving you a shout-out on social media!” You should have seen that smile on his face. I caught him being good!
Another thing I learned along these lines recently was rather than nag about the shoes always being in the living room is to talk about the future in a positive way. I often hear myself saying, “Gavin, I look forward to the day when your shoes are always in your cubby and I never have to ask you about that again.”
I challenge you: the next time you go to nag your kid, pause and see if maybe there is another way to approach the situation. And whenever you see positive behaviors you’d like to see more, acknowledge them and be specific. Although I would ideally like to say I always do this, I don’t, and I have to resort to nagging at times. My hope, however, is that someday there will be a lot less of that and more proactive positive behaviors. It is soooo much easier that way—for everyone!
Do you guys agree or have any success doing it? Or other ideas?
