One of the Greatest Gifts Ever
A few years ago, when I had three little ones, my mom gave me a small plaque with a saying on it. It was a plaque she had kept close to her when she raised myself and my four siblings. She kept it by the sink in our kitchen growing up. As you know, you spend a lot of time doing dishes when you have five little kids. When my mom gave it to me, she shared that she used to give the sign a little rub whenever one of us was driving her crazy. As you can see by the picture on the left, she did this a lot over the years. I’m told my little brother Frankie and I gave her the most grief. Who me? Never. He doesn’t have kids yet, so the sign naturally went to me.
When it was still legible, the sign said “Children need love especially when they don’t deserve it.” Now that I’m a mother, I know how very true that is. And now, I can understand why my mom developed such a bond with that plaque.
Now that I know this, whenever one of my kids (okay, really whenever Gavin) is really testing my patience I take a deep breath in, give myself a moment and remember this saying. I then put my best foot forward to show him how much I love him. I may not always agree with or like his behavior but I always try to show my love for him. He may not recognize it at the time, but in the end I hope he will look back and know my actions came from a place of love. I certainly didn’t think that about my mom when I was younger, but I get it now.
I try to take the time to connect with my kids and acknowledge the emotions they are feeling. I am most successful when I stay calm and ask probing questions and try to get on their level. This can be very hard to do, but I’ve learned through experience that parenting by commanding and controlling isn’t very effective (although I still fall back into it sometimes). Too often it escalates a conflict and gives rise to an emotional response. Often this response is the result of some underlying fear, and what a feeling when I can use love to cut through the conflict and get to the surface of the issue so I can help.
To give our children love when we may feel they least deserve it means that we must let go of judgment and instead model emotional understanding. Showing that we care and want to learn more from their perspective encourages them to be more open and lets them express their feelings in a safe and reassuring environment.
I keep my mom’s well-worn sign as a reminder of my good fortune to have a mom that gave me love when I didn’t deserve it and to pass that grace on to my children (particularly the tough one). But since the words aren’t legible, I’ve recreated the words and I keep them handy. Feel free to print them out and give them a rub when your kids drive you nuts!
